I am in a vortex of obligation.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
