theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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