Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
