Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
