I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You were trust falling into bushes
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
