I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
