I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize