In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
