Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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