I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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