So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
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