The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
