I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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