Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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