he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
