Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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