I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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