The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
