dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
