guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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