God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
