Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
