i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
