I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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