2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
