My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
