You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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