my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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