Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
