The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
