just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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