Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Randomize
