Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize