Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize