I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
