he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
