I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
