Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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