I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
