Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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