Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
