last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
