I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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