she looked like the bat from fern gully.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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