Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
