Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
