i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
