when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
