My room smells like vodka and shame
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize