apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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