This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
