if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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