you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
