I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
