I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
