Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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