Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
