Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
