I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
