does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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